Well here I go again. At first I thought that I would move on to something else and come back to my musings on "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction" some other time. But as I thought about it I figured that there was more that needs to be said before I lay this theme down for a while.
In my last post I emphasized two ideas. One was this:
If we are to experience Jesus’ promise of the “abundant life” [John 10:10] and find the life of joy and peace and contentment we are promised in the Gospel, what is required is simply that we believe what Jesus said. That’s all. It’s that simple.
The other idea was this: the very first Beatitude - indeed, the very first line - of the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 5:3) is this:
“Supremely happy are the spiritually destitute, for theirs is the Kingdom of God.”
The Sermon on the Mount is Jesus' longest recorded sermon. It is, in a sense, the summary of His message. And we can think of the eight Beatitudes that serve as its preface as a sort of 8 step initiation to the life of Supreme Happiness. After all, each of them begins with the words, "Supremely happy are..."
And Jesus says that the first step on the road to supreme happiness is to accept that we are, every one of us, spiritually destitute. I ended my last post with this:
The whole key is something that I ran from my whole life: humiliation. Total, utter, crushing humiliation. The key to the “abundant life” is to realize, to accept, and then to embrace that I am “spiritually destitute.”
Now... here's the thing: If you want to find the "abundant life" of "supreme happiness" that God intends for you, you won't find it through your efforts, or your being better than someone else, or not being as bad as some other guy, or through drugs or booze or money or sex or any other means. In my painful experience, the only way to find these things is through humiliation. I know I said this in the previous post, but I really must emphasize this.
Humiliation is the best gift that anyone can receive.
How so? Well, Jesus once said this:
“Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it."
Perhaps an illustration would help me explain.
Think of the donkey as me (or you, if you want to join me in this line of thinking). Austin the Ass here is in a pickle. He can try to go, but no matter how he churns the air with his hooves, he simply ain't going to get anywhere. He just ain't.
And why?
Because he's burdened with that load of stuff in the wagon. He's overloaded. And, if I may state the obvious (other than the fact that an ass is a good illustration of myself), it's because the load he's saddled with is heavier than he is.
The ass is me. The load is my shame, my guilt, my fears, my anxieties, my sense of duty and responsibility, my codependent and enabling behavior, and my desperate need to hide from others as well as myself the hard truth that I'm a worthless piece of fecal debris.
But at the same time, notice my demeanor. Austin the Ass is like, "What's up, y'all? It's cool, nothing to see here, I got this under control." He looks at the guy in the blue outfit and says, "Hey buddy, how's it going? I sure am blessed today. God is good, right?" (Those of you who attend church on Sundays will understand that last bit...) Then, being codependent, he says, "So tell me about how I can help you. I got room here in my wagon..."
Austin the Ass is... well... an ass. A dumbass. He's a fool.
Let's go back to Jesus' comment:
“Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me."
For most of my bitter, sad, pathetic life my unselfconscious thought was that the burden in the wagon was the cross I had to carry if I was to follow Jesus. I had to bear the burdens of life (see above if you've forgotten what I said that they were), and soldier on, dragging my guts behind me till Kingdom Come. I thought that this was the self-denial Jesus prescribes if I am to find the "abundant life."
But what I've come to realize since my total and complete self-immolation and -humiliation (there's that word again!) is that Austin the Ass in the picture is resisting self-denial. In point of fact, he's actually refusing to take up his cross and follow.
What do I mean?
Look again at the ass. He's putting on a pretense of having it under control. Mr Bluepants is looking at him but the ass is hoping beyond hope that Mr Bluepants (and everyone else) will not see how totally inadequate he is to what life has burdened him with. (Now honestly, if you were that ass, wouldn't you be depressed? Wouldn't you drink over that? Sure you would. The ass' existence sucks.)
But... But the ass would rather carry this impossible, crushing, life-stealing burden than admit that he can't do it. He has no idea how to get that burden under control. But he will do anything to prove (or at least to trick himself and everyone else into believing) that he's okay.
Now, look at the guy in the white (right edge of the picture). I would imagine that this is the ass' master. He sees the ass hanging there like an idiot and decides to help.
He says, "Hey Austin, why don't you lay that down? I have a wagon for you that I want you to take up and pull while you follow me." (Let's call the master Jesus.)
But Austin the Ass says, "What's up, J? I got this under control. Don't worry about me. I'm not a dumbass. No siree, I'm no loser who can't pull his own weight. I won't let you down. Lemme just get situated in my harness here and I'll be along in a minute."
But Jesus says, "Um... Austin? Uh... you don't seem to understand. That isn't the wagon I want you to pull. Why don't you let me unhook you from that and I'll get you on your way. Look, it's easy. Just tell Mr Bluepants (and everyone else) that you can't pull that load of crap and that you need my help."
(Austin ponders... He wiggles his legs a bit, trying to reach the ground. He looks around, sighs, and them smiles and winks confidently at Mr Bluepants.)
Jesus: "Hello?"
(Austin starts humming a hymn... He sees that Mr Bluepants is staring. He smiles again.)
Jesus (raising his voice and poking the ass): "Uh... Austin? Okay, look. I have a different burden for you. Just deny that you can carry this one, take up my wagon, and follow where I want to take you."
(Austin continues humming. He looks away from Mr Bluepants and pretends that no one's looking at him.)
We could go on.
I trust the point is becoming clear. Austin has a burden he cannot carry. As is obvious, this is a burden he can't carry because he wasn't made to carry it. It's impossible.
This was my life. The key difference was that, even if people saw that I was carrying a burden that was pretty huge, no one knew just how huge it was. No one knew I was miserable in the extreme. No one knew that I was a drunk, guzzling cheap wine and vodka when I could and brand X Listerine the rest of the time.
No one knew these things. But more importantly, no one knew the other stuff - far worse in my mind - that shamed & humiliated me and that I hid from, fled from, and desperately tried to avoid having known.
But then God intervened.
He gave me over to alcoholism. He allowed me to discover the "pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization" that supremely characterizes the man who has lost all power over himself and the ability to manage his life. He gave me over to the fulness of the insanity of the man who, reduced to one tool in his coping mechanism toolbox, keeps on trying that same damned mechanism in the face of every problem.
And then, having given me over, He blessed me with exposure. Not just exposure of my alcoholism, but to the exposure of every shame, embarrassment, foolishness, and foible of my entire life.
In fine, the Blessed Lord God gave me the inestimable blessing to experience shattering, crushing humiliation at my own hand. I did it. It's my fault. In the immortal words of Pope Adrian, "Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa!" ("My fault, my fault, it's all my fault.")
And when a man is left utterly shamed & humiliated, he has two choices. 1) He can hate the humiliation and redouble his efforts to reestablish his self-respect and honor. Or 2) he can embrace the humiliation and allow the Lord to use it to make him humble, malleable, and free.
Few people have the unique blessing I received to be as thoroughly humiliated as I was. So perhaps I had it easy. I lost everything at my own hand. I (as it were) defecated all over myself and was left standing in my own stink. But nevertheless, I realized that I'd crossed the Rubicon and that there was no going back.
And so I embraced the humiliation. As Mr Frost put it, "I took the [road] less traveled by, And that has made all the difference."
As Solomon would say, "Here's the conclusion of the whole matter":
Having lost all, I am free. When a man has lost everything, then (and only then) is he free. Most especially, when a man has been thoroughly shamed and humiliated, then seeking honor and playing the hypocrite is a wasted effort. What one has lost at one's own hand cannot be regained.
You see, when you've had your pride crushed through humiliation, and when you've embraced that humiliation as a gift and a blessing, it is easier to keep moving in the direction of humility, freedom, and "supreme happiness."
Humiliation is a long road. But it's the road of freedom.
Humiliation set me free. Free to be honest. Free to be humble. Free to be happy.
Humiliation took the scales from my eyes and allowed me to see my spiritual destitution.
As long as I remain faithful to the "long obedience in the same direction" by holding on to my humiliation as the greatest of blessings, I will remember that I am spiritually destitute. As long as I remain faithful to my spiritual destitution, I will be laying down my burden, taking up my cross, and following Jesus to a life of "supreme happiness." As long as I keep following Him on this trail He first blazed, then I will be on that blessed road to the Kingdom of God.
Dear reader, freedom, joy, peace, contentment, and supreme happiness is possible. I have found them. All that you have to let go of is everything. It's easier than you think. And harder. But it's worth it. O! is it worth it!
I no longer have secrets. I'm not afraid of shame or humiliation anymore.
My plea to you is this: Join me. Don't be like me and learn this road by kicking against the goad. But whether you learn it the hard way or whether you learn it the easy way (and, oddly enough, my way is the easier, I think), take up this cross and follow Jesus. It's the better way.
Pax y'all. We need it.
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